


I Don't Want To Lie Anymore

by Wearysea



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:02:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21517159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wearysea/pseuds/Wearysea
Summary: Dee’s decision to end his own life had been years in the making but it will only take seven days to carry out if everything goes according to plan.ON HIATUS DUE TO MENTAL HEALTH REASONS(It’s going to be finished, just not for quite some time)
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 118
Kudos: 210





	1. Logan's Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: References to Abusive Relationships, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, and Suicide Attempts

Dee’s decision to end his own life had been years in the making.

Solidly, he had only consciously made the choice that, someday, he was going to kill himself four months ago, exactly three days after his Mother left.

She’d tried to start a fight with his Dad but she hadn’t been successful, he saw past her at this point, and there was no way he was going to give her the satisfaction of being able to tell her friends she left because of him.

He said nothing as she packed her things, he said nothing when she told him about the affair that he and Dee had already discovered months prior, he said nothing when Dee brutally corrected her when she tried to say she was taking him with her.

He said nothing as she walked out of the door and neither did Dee, they just sat on the couch and cried.

It was once his Dad had gone to bed at 2pm for the third day in a row, a very common occurrence in recent months, that a pyjama clad Dee walked into the back garden. The moisture from the grass soaked into his socks, as he looked up at the singular tree in the corner and thought of himself hanging from a branch.

He knew, then, that his life was going to end soon, and that it was going to be by his own hands.

It didn’t shock him, he’d distantly wanted to disappear since he was a child, courtesy of an adult neighbour, so this avenue of thought wasn’t outlandish to him, he supposed it was inevitable that he ended up in this mental space.

He’s spent the last few months in a haze, calm and indifferent, living day by day with a strange heaviness sitting on his shoulders and poking at his heart. But now he had a plan. A solid plan that he could enact over the next week and it made him feel… good. He felt light with relief, maybe even happy.

Today was Monday, a perfect time to begin phase one of his plan, he’d have to be stealthy, very stealthy, so he won’t be found out too soon. A confrontation would throw everything off.

He just needed to make his peace with the people around him, over the next seven days, and then on Sunday he could die content.

But Dee was getting ahead of himself, focusing on the current task at hand was the best course of action.

Monday’s repentance was Logan.

It was both the easiest to make, and the least likely to get him caught. He hadn’t had much contact with the dutiful, serious Logan, but his ex-boyfriend had.

Logan was always trusted by teachers due to being a real stickler for the rules, so it wasn’t a shock to find that he tended to be put in positions of power in the school system. Hall monitor, head boy, if you can name it then Logan probably had been it at one time or another. This had rubbed his ex the wrong way, especially since his ex was fond of raising a little hell on occasion. On the times he got caught, it was usually Logan’s watchful eye that got him in trouble.

So when his ex was in detention once again, and looking for someone to blame other that himself, his ire landed swiftly on Logan. He wasn’t about to do it himself, he’d be blamed immediately, so of course he’d need someone to do it for him, while he had a solid alibi.

When he’d told Dee to do it, Dee’s first instinct was to say no, but his mind wandered to the bruises on his arms, hips and thighs, result of the last time he’d said no to him. Dee said yes, what do you want me to do?

He wanted to wreck Logan’s shit, steal his bag and set it and everything inside on fire. Dee had realised Logan’s phone was in the bag and had decided to take it out and put it in his locker. His ex would never know. No one had found out that it was him, but he knew, and he’d felt so guilty, particularly since Logan had had a meltdown due to having to replace six months’ worth of work and revision.

Dee couldn’t take what he’d done back, he definitely couldn’t explain and Logan deserved more that that anyway. Dee definitely didn’t deserve to be forgiven, but he needed the guilt to lift before it crushed him.

He needed to make amends before died.

He could replace what he’d destroyed.

Three notebooks, packs of revision cards, a set of coloured pens, a set of black pens, some stencils and of course, the bag itself.

Dee wasn’t sure if there was anything else in there, and he never would, he supposed, but that was okay.

It had to be okay.

He left the bag in the tiny office in the library, Logan was a student librarian so he knew he’d find it there. He left it with a note reading:

For Logan Crofter,  
I’m sorry.

Hopefully he’d understand what Dee was trying to say. He passes Logan on his way out of the door.

He went to the canteen, and immediately met up with Remus, his current boyfriend, who preceded to talk his ear off, exactly what he needed at the moment. It’s exactly what he needs at every moment, to be honest, it’s why he flocked to Remus once his ex was firmly gone. He didn’t want to be alone, and Remus would hang out with anyone that showed any interest in him.

And Dee was very, very interested in Remus.

He liked listening to what he had to say, the contents of his imagination were so vivid that Dee couldn’t help picturing the scenarios along with him and it made him happy to do so.

A little while after he’d sat down with Remus and their pasta, around halfway through lunch, Dee heard an exchange behind him.

“The fucking coward didn’t even have enough spine to own up to what they did and apologise to your face!”

“… All the same, I appreciate the gesture.”

He appreciated the gesture, that was all Dee had wanted. He continued his conversation with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a dark one, but it'll turn out okay, promise


	2. Roman's Day

Tuesday’s repentance was Roman. 

His ex-boyfriend hadn’t made him steal things from people often, mostly because if Dee got caught, then he wouldn’t be able to make Dee do anything for him anymore. For Roman, it was envy, not wrath, that caused him to strong arm Dee into snatching that acting trophy from under Roman’s nose. 

Speaking of noses, Dee’s crinkled in disgust when once again the word “boyfriend” came to the forefront of his mind. The association of it with… that boy was just unpleasant to say the least. He felt the title sat much nicer on Remus’ shoulders. Maybe calling him just X would be a better way to go, it was like Dee was crossing him out of his mind too. 

But let’s get back on track.

By that point he’d stopped even considering saying no. All pretences of X being apologetic and just ‘losing control’ had dropped, Dee knew he just enjoyed hurting him. X knew that Dee was too attention starved to do something about it. Hell, Dee had even started to hurt himself, he’d just been conditioned to believe he deserved it. X loved that. He’d laughed when he’d seen the cuts. 

The trophy had been left behind the stage, the day after he’d won it. Just a case of “wrong place, wrong time” when Dee had been bringing X’s lunch to him. X being a stagehand, having not made actor in this bout of try-outs. 

It had taken less than a minute to swipe it, but it had taken 4 hours of feeling sick while X stood next to him trying to hide his laughter as Roman became more and more upset and the Teacher’s became more and more angry. A rule of: no unsupervised non-club members were allowed in the drama studio, since Dee and 5 others were present and they assumed that it was someone that had come in unnoticed… but not Roman, as Dee would learn much later.

He’d thrown it out the window and they’d both gone after it later. X had buried it in a flower bed. And there it had stayed up until a week prior, when Dee had come to collect it. Given a thorough wash and a bit of a lick of paint and it looked pretty good! … Dee hoped it was good enough. 

He placed it on the stage first thing in the morning and made his escape without being noticed, naturally the return had been common gossip by noon, apparently Roman had been thrilled he’d gotten it back. It represented a lot of hard work after all. 

If Dee looked relieved when, at lunch, Remus walked over to him with a spring in his step and proclaimed that Roman had said sorry about the whole “stolen acting trophy debacle” then that was neither here nor there. 

He was happy Remus was happy. Truth be told he hadn’t known that Remus had been blamed for his misdeed until then, it simply hadn’t occurred to him that anybody would get blamed. Dee realised that he’d assumed it would be the same as what happened with Logan. An “unknown assailant”. 

… God, he was so stupid. Of course, Remus would get the wrong end of the stick for this, he was a convenient scapegoat, particularly to his brother given their relationship growing up. 

There was no point being guilty about something that he’d already corrected though. Dee tried his best to push it to the back of his mind… and failed. He knew that Remus often felt really down about his relationship with Roman, this must’ve been really upsetting for him. 

Another way Dee has hurt someone. 

Today was the day to deal with that incident, and even though this was his designated day to make it up to Roman, Dee didn’t like the idea of leaving it until Saturday to do something nice for Remus. 

So they went out for pizza after school. 

It wasn’t often that Dee felt… confident enough to go somewhere that wasn’t one of their houses. Remus was sweet about that, understood that Dee didn’t like being stared at, as most people did when he was walking down the street. Thanks vitiligo. So it was rare they actually went out on proper dates and even rarer for Dee to suggest them. 

Dee loved the pure excitement on Remus’ face, the animated way he moved his hands while talking as they made their way to the little café was more than worth it to Dee. 

“I wanna sit near the fucked up lookin’ buddha statue.” Neither of them knew why it was there or what happened to its face but it was and it greatly entertained them both. Remus went and ordered and Dee tried not to bounce his leg while he was waiting for him to come back. He hated being in public without someone with him. 

It didn’t take long for Remus to come back with their drinks and an excited “They’re doing sundae’s again!” and just like that Dee’s calm returned to him. He loved Remus so damn much it hurt sometimes. 

Dee remembered their first meeting and smiled. 

_ At first, Dee had been glad to be left alone, after being with X for so long but after a week or two he realised that even more isolation wasn’t what he needed. He needed a friend, a proper friend that didn’t treat him like shit, someone who was easy to talk to, preferably who did the majority of the talking.  _

_ The day after this realisation he went to school and, during break, noticed Remus chatting to, or more accurately talking at, a group of year 7s in the corridor. It was early in the year and they’d asked him for directions. Classic mistake, Remus was a chatterbox.  _

_ A chatterbox being exactly what he needed.  _

_ Remus would talk literally anyone’s ear off, Dee was aware of him distantly but he’d never truly payed him any mind until that moment. He wasn’t really allowed to talk to other people while he was with X, one of the reasons he had no friends in the first place.  _

_ But X was just a bad memory, nothing could stop him from talking to whoever the fuck he wanted now… except the crippling social anxiety he’d developed.  _

_ It was another month before he worked up the nerve to introduce himself to Remus, in that time he watched him a lot, listened to conversations, figured out what he liked.  _

_ During this time, Dee realised something kind of sad, Remus was always talking to people but it was never the same people conversation to conversation, most of them consisting of the other person not being interested in what Remus was saying.  _

_ When Dee realised Remus didn’t have any friends either, that was what got Dee to finally approach him, they had a mutual need. _

_ Perfect. _

_ Dee knew which exit to the school Remus usually used by then, so he made sure to take the same one. Then on the walk home, just when Remus’ shoulders began to hunch, the loneliness becoming visible, Dee took a deep breath and walked up with a “Hello?”  _

_ Remus snapped to attention, straightening his back and slapping a comically fake smile on his face as he replied with a “Hi!”  _

_ “Do you know which way to the park? The… the one near the library?”  _

_ The nerves were eating Dee alive, he desperately hoped his plan would work.  _

_ “Yeah! It’s not far, want me to show you?” _

_ Dee smiled and prayed it didn’t look like a grimace.  _

_ “That would be nice.” _

_ There was a lull in conversation, looking back Dee realised that Remus was anxious about what to say. It wasn’t often someone actually willingly wanted to spend time with him and he didn’t want to scare this potential new friend away. Especially because his potential new friend was the cute, interesting boy he’d quietly had a crush on for around three years but never had the guts to approach, as Remus would recount to him later. He could handle being rejected by rando’s he tried to strike up conversations with but not someone he was interested in romantically. First impressions weren’t his strong suit.  _

_ “… Do you like anime?” _

_ “Yes,” This was a great question! Dee had prepared for this, “I started watching Hellsing Ultimate last week, that’s pretty good, have you seen it?” Dee knew he had, that it was his favourite, he talked about it all the time.  _

_ “I’ve watched it through 17 times by now! Whose you’re favourite character? Mine’s Rip Van Winkle!”  _

_ They continued on like that until they arrived, then Remus paused to introduce himself. _

_ “I’m Remus by the way!” _

_ “I’m Dee.”  _

_ And if Remus didn’t make a dick joke about his name, he just wouldn’t be Remus.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took way longer than I wanted it to, can't help being sick though.


	3. Remy’s Day

Dee wakes up the next day to the ringtone Remus set his phone to, a surprisingly classy violin solo that Remus had said “reminded him of Dee”, which signifies that his boyfriend has texted him. A little unusual, Remus was tended to be pretty groggy in the mornings, so he usually left communication for when he arrived at school. He didn’t usually send messages like this, either:

Remus: | Can we walk to school together? |

Dee: | Of course! Are you coming over here? Do you want breakfast? |

Remus: | Yes and yes 😊 |

Dee knew Remus argued with his folks a lot, one of the few things he didn’t like to talk about often. He must want to get out of the house as fast as possible today.

Dee worries about him.

Dee decides to make pancakes to pass the time.

Remus is panting as he walks into Dee’s living room, face flushed in a way that could only mean he’d ran the whole way. Things were that bad, huh? He practically deflates as Dee wraps his arms around him and gives a tight squeeze.

A moment passes before Remus’ nose detects pancake-y deliciousness.

“Need.”

With a chuckle Dee ends the hug and watches Remus almost teleport to the kitchen. Dee hopes there will be some left when he gets there, Remus has been known to inhale his food.

“Do oo wan som?” He attempts to say around a mouthful of around 3-4 pancakes

Pfft. “Yes, I want some, gimme.”

The meal ends with Remus sat on the kitchen floor, screeching with laughter, unused batter smeared across his face, curtesy of a bemused and playful Dee after Remus had decided to get a healthy handful of Dee’s ass.

They have fun together.

Once Remus had gotten himself cleaned up, they headed to school.

“I hope they have that pink mousse thing with the sprinkles today. I like that.”

“I think it’s called Angel Delight, but also same. It’s pretty nice.”

“Do you think baby wombats are cute? I think they’re cute.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen one.”

“Hold on, I’ll get a picture up on my phone!”

“Haha, that is cute.”

“Yes! Baby wombats deserve all the love. Roman said they looked weird.”

“Well, I say they’re cute.”

“… Hey, Dee?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think I’m cute? ‘Cause I don’t… I don’t feel cute, right now.”

“I think you are absolutely breathtaking, my dear.”

Dee loves having the ability to be this honest, to have the freedom to compliment the living fuck out of Remus whenever he wants. Dee grabs his boyfriends face and gives him a big ol’ bag of smooches.

“Gorgeous.”

Cheek.

“Lovely.”

Nose.

“Beautiful.”

Forehead.

There’s something desperate, wet and cracked lurking in Remus’ responding giggles, the truth of his insecurities seeping the façade. Dee will scream to whatever deity that doesn’t care to listen that he loves every single little thing about this boy until it settles into his gay’s bones that he is loved; that he’s worthy of love.

Dee’ll fight anyone who says that Remus is gruesome to the death, his gay is a _bean_ , a _cinnamon role, too pure, too good for this world._

“Hey, Dee, do you think I’d go crunch or splat if I jumped out of the window in third period?”

“You aren’t getting out of doing your IT homework, dear.”

“Rats.”

They end up being 20 minutes late to school, but that’s okay.

Dee feels a familiar ache in his chest when he and Remus part ways for the next few periods. He has to remind himself that he’ll see him in maths. It still feels too far away.

This was going to be a calmer day, better to have a low energy task in the middle before the things he had to do became too emotionally taxing. Can’t have him getting burnt out mid-plan, can we?

Wednesday’s repentance was Remy, who was in the year below Dee and all the others.

Also, technically, what Dee’s making up for today isn’t really his fault at all, as it’s not something he did or was forced to do and he didn’t find out about it until long after the fact.

X was with Remy

Except he wasn’t a lonely, touch starved pushover like Dee, he wouldn’t be manipulated, couldn’t be controlled and most significantly to X, impossible to pressure into sex. Remy wasn’t ready and he wasn’t going to do a single thing until he was… so, X looked elsewhere for it. At that point he wanted to continue dating Remy but with someone on the side, because he wanted to fuck.

He identified Dee as the most likely candidate to take what ever affection he could get and unbeknownst to Dee, started his plan to get what he wanted. He’d got caught by Emile, Remy’s best friend, when he’d seen X with Dee.

He knew nothing about this at the time, only finding out when some random trying to stir up shit asked him about it.

He’d felt terrible but at least he could solidly believe this wasn’t his fault. X had chosen to cheat, he’d told Dee they were already broken up and he’d had no reason to believe that at the time. Dee hated that he’d been involved in that all the same and he wanted to address it today.

Today was a tricky one, he had nothing of Remy’s to return or replace. He definitely wasn’t going to talk to him.

In the end, he’d settled on a simple apology note, explaining, dispelling the many rumours that he’d heard flying around, that Remy had likely heard too.

He thought for sure that he was alone when he slipped it into Remy’s locker at the end of the 20 minute break between 2nd and 3rd period, he jumped a mile when Emile spoke.

“You’re the boy that Andras cheated on Remy with.”

Bile rose in Dee’s throat, a tiny bit because he’d been caught, but largely because of hearing _that **fucking** name_.

“… Unfortunately.”

“Are you still together?”

“No.”

Emile pauses, thoughtfully, then asks, “What was that piece of paper?”

“… An apology.”

Clearly confused and wanting more details, Emile continues, “Did you know that Andras was dating Remy when you got together?”

“I didn’t,” Dee managed to force out, gritting his teeth at the mention of the name, “and by the time I found out I was already… trapped.”

This gets Emile frowning, “That sounds unhealthy, like Malachite.”

Dee doesn’t meet his eyes when he says, “It doesn’t matter what it was, it’s over.” Dee fights the urge to add ‘isn’t it?’.

“But it’s still affecting you, like Lapis in the Alone At Sea episode.”

Dee knows exactly what he means and he hates that Emile has him pegged in under a minute. He’s saved from having to reply both literally and figuratively by the bell. He walks away briskly and doesn’t look back, praying that Emile won’t try to follow.

He doesn’t.

… Dee doesn’t know why he isn’t relieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this was pretty fitting -“Andras (a demon) commands thirty legions of lesser demons and his main purpose is to spread discord and violence amongst mortals.”


	4. Patton’s Day

Thursday’s repentance was Patton.

That boy was the literal personification of sunshine, the absolute least deserving of any fuckery. Everyone knew that. Dee knew that.

Dee’s heart burned with that.

He thought X might’ve had a crush on Patton… it would make more sense than to just randomly deciding to do something so horrible out of nowhere. As awful as his ex was, he was usually provoked by _something_ before he went on the attack.

Patton was dating Logan, had been very solidly for around a year now and Dee thought that the start of their relationship had been the cause of it. Jealousy and rage, causing X to lash out at poor, unsuspecting Patton for not wanting someone he’d never even talked to.

This took place a good 6 months after the burning of Logan’s bag and 2 months after stealing the trophy, right at the end of his relationship with Dee.

Dee had long since come to terms with the fact that he was only wanted for sex in that “relationship”, X hadn’t truly considered Dee to be worth his time at all. He just used how lonely he was, how… easy he was, to get what he wouldn’t be getting otherwise.

Dee tries his best to quell his urge to vomit, then pauses for a moment, steadies himself, and continues on. X had thankfully decided not to force Dee to do anything again. He usually liked to get ‘revenge’ on other people himself.

But he’d told Dee about it, had told him explicitly what he wanted to do to Patton. Dee had gagged at the description of burning flesh… he had said nothing. Done nothing. He’d been too terrified of the threats.

“Tell anyone about this and I’ll do it to you, I’ll make you even uglier than you already are, patchwork.”

So when X threw a bottle of acid down Patton’s back, getting it all over the left side of his neck, missing his face only due to Patton turning to avoid the liquid, no one had seen it coming.

No one except Dee.

X had tested the acid out on Dee’s arms, he knew how painful it was, the guilt of not just baring it himself and saving Patton from it ate at him far worse than the acid ever could. He’d agonised over this day. What could he possibly do to atone for this? His crime had been one of inaction, Patton wasn’t even aware of it or of him but Dee thought he deserved to know how he’d been wronged.

The one solitary good thing that came out of this incident was that it permanently removed X from the area. Expelled from that school, his family moved away, Dee was pretty sure that he’d gotten a criminal conviction, as he should.

He never formally broke up with him, just told his parents not to let him in the house if he turned up again. Blocked him on everything he could conceivably block him on and started a social media purge.

He’d felt so good removing all public trace of him. Every picture of them on Instagram and Facebook? Gone. Every message Dee had received? Gone. Every comment, every shared discord server, forgotten t-shirts in Dee’s room? Gone.

Gone, gone, gone.

It was the closest thing to erasing memories that Dee could get. He couldn’t purge his mind. The bruises, the phantom touches that Dee could still feel on his skin…

Dee needed to stop thinking about himself, this should be about other people, not him.

He couldn’t reveal himself to Patton, it was a day too soon, this would bring far too much unwanted attention for him.

So he didn’t hint at his identity in the letter he’d decided to write. He couldn’t offer Logan or Roman an explanation, although… by the time everything with Patton happened things had gotten dramatically worse on Dee’s end. Patton had already experienced X’s wrath, he wouldn’t need to justify why he’d been afraid and Dee could talk about things that… weren’t to do with… God, he still couldn’t even think it.

He didn’t need to, really.

Much like he did with Remy, Dee had prepared the letter before he begun his plan, confessing what had happened, what X had done to him and Dee’s inaction to prevent it happening to Patton. X had refused to explain the incident to anyone once it was done, so he knew Patton had no answers. Dee wanted to give him answers, to explain to the best of his ability what had gone wrong in that bastard’s head that caused him to give the sweetest boy in existence permanent scars.

It didn’t feel like it was enough for Dee, like he should do something more for Patton… but this was the most he could think to do.

He’d figured out which locker belonged to Patton the week before, along with the majority of his preparations, so it took him no time at all to slip it in through the vent at the top and to slither away unseen.

He wishes he could hang around to see the reaction, to know if this helped even the tiniest bit but… Dee couldn’t risk the chance of being noticed. He didn’t really have a reason to be in this corridor, no classes and his locker was across the school.

Which is where he headed. He hadn’t seen much of Remus today, Thursday’s were theatre days so he’d been super busy. If Dee needed a reminder of how clingy he’d gotten with Remus, how much he’d missed him in just one day would certainly do the trick.

He was so glad that Remus clung to him right back, it actually made him feel… lovable.

Thursday was the only day that dragged for Dee, he just wanted his gay around and he made it a habit to text when he knew Remus would be arriving home.

Between the time Dee got home and Remus got home he’d just… curl up in a ball on his bed and cry.

He didn’t feel loved when Remus wasn’t around, didn’t feel pretty, or smart or any of the other things Remus liked to repeat to him over and over. He just felt worthless.

Dee didn’t want to cry anymore.

He wanted this pain in his chest to go away… he wanted Remus. Much like he’d wanted his parents when they dropped him off at school as a small child.

It was pathetic.

Dee was pathetic.

… Dee wanted Remus cuddles.

The hours feel longer than they are, and Dee gets whiplash with how fast he moves to face his phone when the ring tone chimes. He dives for it, ignoring the sting in his hip as it smacks against his bedside table.

Remus: | Hey! Got out of rehearsal an hour early! |

Dee hoped that didn’t mean he’d gotten kicked out of that nights rehearsal an hour early, Remus loved drama, it was a great outlet for him, and Dee knew that no matter how much he hid it, losing that outlet would really upset him. Even so, the worry didn’t mask the relief that took over him at the contact, and he felt it was a good idea to provide a distraction until Remus decided to bring it up on his own, if it was indeed an issue.

Dee: | Cool, I missed you 🤗|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a lot with the last chapter, so it took longer than I would’ve liked to get it out. Since I’d had this chapter finished before the last one I figured a double update would be a good idea.


	5. Virgil’s Day

Friday’s repentance is Virgil.

This one has nothing to do with X, no, this was all him. Thank God he can put him out of his mind for the day.

Virgil was too close to figuring him out.

He knew too much, about Dee, was too close to figuring out things things that had happened to him when he was a kid. It made Dee feel so… vulnerable. Afraid. Virgil had a lot of power over him, he could tell an adult and then everyone would _know._ He couldn’t help but lash out and back himself into the corner of loneliness. Back away from his only friend.

Leaving his only friend alone.

Like the other days, Dee’s wrongdoing had been driven entirely by fear. He hurt Virgil before Virgil could hurt him.

He didn’t know why he felt like Virgil would hurt him.

He didn’t know why he thought a lot of the things he did back them, he was very young, after all. Everyone makes mistakes when they’re young.

But still, he felt like he had to sooth the hurt before he went, even the hurt happened a long, long time ago. Dee still missed Virgil every day, like a phantom limb, feeling the ache of something that wasn’t there.

He felt a great need to say goodbye to his dear childhood friend, to hold on to that old connection before he went away completely, before he’d never have a connection with anyone else ever again.

Dee had to be incredibly careful with how he worded this next letter.

Virgil may still remember his address after all, giving what he was going to do to himself away two days too soon would ruin everything he’s worked for. Regardless, once he got this letter to Virgil, they’d all know it was him, the writing would be exactly the same. He just hoped no one came looking for him or Remus during the weekend.

Speaking of Remus and ‘over the weekend’, Dee asks him to come over on Saturday. Remus counters with an “how about I come over tonight so I’m already there tomorrow?’. That’s fine. More than fine, actually. That sounds really, really good and Remus, lovely Remus, grins his usual grin and gives Dee a big sloppy kiss on the side of his face.

They spend the rest of the school day trading kisses and innuendos in every spare second they can be together, it’s been a while since Remus has been able to stay over and to say they were both excited would be an understatement… and another innuendo.

But that was a few hours away, right now he had to make sure that Virgil got his letter. No lockers involved this time, he knew Virgil only used his on days he had P.E., Friday wasn’t one of those days. They did, however, share a drama class during final period. Dee just needed to figure out how to slip it into Virgil’s backpack without anyone noticing and all would be good and dandy.

All it took was Dee faking an undone shoelace near where Virgil had left his bag and that was it. Rather anti-climactic, really. At least on Dee’s end, he’s sure it’s going to cause a commotion, especially after Sunday.

Hopefully he won’t be around for it, he doesn’t want to witness the fallout of his actions. That’s for everyone else to sort out on their own. Maybe that’s selfish of him, leaving everyone else with a mess to clean up, but what else can he do? Dee knows he can’t truly make everything right until he pays a price.

He tries to focus on enjoying spending time with Remus, but his mind keeps floating back to Virgil no matter what he does. Dee wonders whether Virgil has read the letter yet or not, he wonders if he’ll ever know.

He wonders if any of them will ever be okay.

He hopes they will.

He hopes they’ll all end up happy and safe, no serious problems to spend a single precious thought about.

He hopes his Dad will be okay, eventually.

He pointedly hopes nothing about his mother at all. He pretends she doesn’t exist.

… Dee would like to pretend that he doesn’t exist either. Something always spoils that game, the breathing usually, although sometimes it’s the texture of something he’s touching.

That shouldn’t be a problem for too much longer.

Remus continuously snaps him out of his reverie, oh, what would he do without that boy? He wants food this time, naturally, so they order Chinese because Remus loves banana fritters more than life itself.

And Dee loves Remus more than life itself.

He smiles at nothing in particular as he listens to his boyfriend get excited about food at whoever he’s ordering from over the phone.

He’s a little surprised that they’ve both kept their hands off each other this far, but he’s definitely not disappointed that Remus has ended up in more of a date and cuddle mood tonight. Dee likes any kind of affection his gay wants to give him. This definitely includes curling up on the couch with a bunch of food, Remus’ arm around his shoulders while they rewatch the first season of Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency.

It was kind of ‘their show’, like how some couples have a song? It was what they did on their first proper date, and they really hit it off over it. They liked to put it on every so often when one of them was feeling low, just to make themselves feel good.

He’ll miss this when he’s gone… Would he even know to miss this when he’s gone?

… Remus will miss this won’t he?

“You okay, Deedee?”

Slipping on a smile, almost like one would slip on a mask “I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m planning on revealing the letter for Virgil in a later chapter, it just makes more sense in that part of the story :)


	6. Remus’ Day

Saturday’s repentance was Remus.

Today wasn’t so much about what Dee had done to Remus but what he was about to do to Remus. Dee was going to die and he knew that was going to fuck him up so bad, like a train collision he felt like he had no power to stop.

Dee had wanted to wake up first, but it hadn’t worked out that way. Remus beat him to it by a landslide, if how far he is into the second series of Steven Universe on his phone… it’s really cute that he’s getting into the stuff Dee likes too. He didn’t think that was a thing in relationships, it’s nice to know he can have one that isn’t one sided.

… That thought makes him sad.

Dee doesn’t think about it.

What he does do is sit up and cuddle against Remus’ back, pressing his forehead up against Remus’ spine and waits for his boyfriend to come down from wherever in fairyland he’s flown off to. Dee spends a while drawing shapes into Remus’ back with his finger and they stay like that, in calm silence, for what feels like a long time.

Remus starts to hum, Dee doesn’t recognise the tune but finds it pleasant, soothing. It occurs to Dee that Remus is probably trying to sooth himself, he never has fared well without someone to talk to.

Dee remedies that.

He begins to hum along with him once he gets the pattern of the tune, and it isn’t long until Remus is smiling and turning over to face him. Their hands intertwining and lips meeting again and again until the kisses turn from being chaste to decidedly not.

Dee loves how passionate Remus is in general, and it’s a trait that carries over well into bed. He kisses pretty much everywhere he can reach on Dee and every other sensation pails in comparison. This is what sex is meant to feel like and it’s entirely the opposite of what Dee had experienced with… previous encounters.

He didn’t want to think about that at all, and when Dee’s with Remus it’s like all the negative thoughts float away. He can think about this without anything bad popping into his head to ruin it all.

Instead, Dee focuses on how nice he feels when Remus pulls off his shirt. It’s taken him a long time to get to this point, where he’s comfortable being naked in front of Remus. For the longest time, after they tentatively began fooling around, Dee just wasn’t comfortable taking off his shirt.

Now that he is, he’s very glad that Remus has been so sweet about it. Cautiously avoiding touching his scars, knowing how it makes him feel.

Remus knows how to make him feel good better than Dee does sometimes.

They don’t get out of bed until well past noon, Dee’s covered in bites and so’s Remus and they both adore it.

They order Chinese at 4pm and it gets there an hour later.

They both end up with noodles in their hair and Dee’s laughing breathlessly into the crook of Remus’ neck like it was sculpted for him.

His boyfriend, his gay, his wonderful, wonderful Remus.

Dee doesn’t even realise he’s spoken out loud until his most marvellous of boyfriends is giggling shyly and calling him a charmer. Dee’s certain his burning face matches hues with his parter right now. God, he loves that dusty red, he’s never seen anything like it on anyone but Remus.

Dee’s certain there’s no one else like Remus.

One of a kind like a priceless painting.

Ah, he’s spoken out loud again.

He was so surprised by Remus’ shyness the first time he complimented him, it didn’t occur to Dee that he’d be unused to being praised, now he does it near constantly and it’s the best feeling in the world to know he caused that bashful smile.

_“You’re so lovely.”_

_Remus goes very, very still under his hands. They’re at Dee’s house and they’ve put some crime show on TV, Remus is lying down on the sofa chatting about the special effects used to mimic injuries on the actor playing the victim and Dee is absentmindedly running his hands through unruly hair._

_Remus goes rigid, eyes wide and face an utterly divine shade of red as he looks up at Dee in pure shock._

_Dee is captivated by that face._

_His hand lowers down to his cheek and he runs his thumb across it, slowly, following the curve of his eye underneath. Such pretty brown eyes, big and clear and dark._

_They’re electric when Remus is excited, like mad glee is a current running through his veins. They’re puddles when he’s upset, they’re pools when he’s curious. Wide eyed and hungry for answers._

_Dee loves looking at his face._

_That shade makes an already gorgeous face even lovelier and Dee smiles when he sees it getting darker._

_He could almost be made from marble, the artist using great care and attention to detail, with how perfect his face is._

_Remus lets out a wobbly, strangled noise and it’s only then that Dee realises he’s said it all out loud._

_The flushed face is quickly covered by shake-y hands, “Don’t tease me.”_

_Dee curls over Remus to get his own head close to his newfound boyfriends. Pressing kisses to his hands._

_“Oh, I’ll tease you ‘til the end of time if it means I get to look at you blush while I do it.”_

_Remus lets out an ‘eep’ and conversation stalls, they both fall asleep flustered on the couch._

Remus can’t stay over tonight, he needs to go home. His Grandma comes over on Sunday’s and she arrives _early._

Dee counts down the minutes until it’s time for Remus to leave. He makes the most of them because he knows this is very likely the last time they’ll see each other.

With one last breathless kiss, Remus departs and Dee walks back up the stairs to his room. His heavy steps feel like a death sentence and that’s because they are.

Dee cries himself to sleep that lonely Saturday night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop, next chapters gonna be a dark one folks, brace yourselves and be safe out there.
> 
> EDIT: I've changed the part of this chapter that talked about Dee's scars, bc I felt like this would be more realistic and less romanticising of the issue (I'm inexperienced writing about self-harm in this context so bare with me)
> 
> EDIT/UPDATE (02/05/2020): Hey there! So this fics been on hiatus for a while, for reasons vaguely explained in the summary, but I just wanted to announce some changes to the way this is going to be written so that I can actually finish it. Originally I was going to keep with the theme of the days, and the next chapter "Sunday" was going to be Dee's day. As previously stated, this was going to be when Dee would have a suicide attempt. 
> 
> I've decided, for my own health but also for everyone reading, that actually writing this day from Dee's perspective could be... dangerous, romanticising the issue if handled wrong and... honestly I have no clue how I'd handle it right. I just don't think that scene should be written anymore (particularly bc it would be the last thing people would read until the next update), much in the same way I think Hannah Baker's suicide shouldn't've been visually shown in "Thirteen Reason's Why" - a show that actually has had suicides based on it in real life - something the people directing the show were told would happen by professionals. 
> 
> SO, what I'm going to do instead, is make chapter 7 like how chapter 8 & 9 are going to be - from the perspective of the other characters. No actual suicide attempt depicted, and some more exposition about what's going on from everyone else's side. 
> 
> Also, about when it's going to be uploaded: As of right now, I'm nearly finished with chapter 2 of An Abundance of Swear Words, I have started planning of chapter 14 of A Little Hollow and I've begun writing a one-shot based off one of the chapters of the Fluffuary Challenge I did - In short, I'm busy, and it'll take another month or two to update. End of May at the absolute minimum. 
> 
> But that's what's up! It's not being abandoned and will definitely be finished!


	7. UPDATE - NOT A CHAPTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I put this in the notes of the last chapter but I wanted to make sure y’all saw it so I’m posting it separately too, it’ll get deleted before the next chapter is released.

EDIT/UPDATE (02/05/2020): Hey there! So this fics been on hiatus for a while, for reasons vaguely explained in the summary, but I just wanted to announce some changes to the way this is going to be written so that I can actually finish it. Originally I was going to keep with the theme of the days, and the next chapter "Sunday" was going to be Dee's day. As previously stated, this was going to be when Dee would have a suicide attempt.

I've decided, for my own health but also for everyone reading, that actually writing this day from Dee's perspective could be... dangerous, romanticising the issue if handled wrong and... honestly I have no clue how I'd handle it right. I just don't think that scene should be written anymore (particularly bc it would be the last thing people would read until the next update), much in the same way I think Hannah Baker's suicide shouldn't've been visually shown in "Thirteen Reason's Why" - a show that actually has had suicides based on it in real life - something the people directing the show were told would happen by professionals.

SO, what I'm going to do instead, is make chapter 7 like how chapter 8 & 9 are going to be - from the perspective of the other characters. No actual suicide attempt depicted, and some more exposition about what's going on from everyone else's side.

Also, about when it's going to be uploaded: As of right now, I'm nearly finished with chapter 2 of An Abundance of Swear Words, I have started planning of chapter 14 of A Little Hollow and I've begun writing a one-shot based off one of the chapters of the Fluffuary Challenge I did - In short, I'm busy, and it'll take another month or two to update. End of May at the absolute minimum.

But that's what's up! It's not being abandoned and will definitely be finished!


End file.
